Saturday, December 12, 2009

Just One of Those Days...

I'm in a foul, awful, mean, grumpy mood.

Now that I got that out of the way, I am venting and ranting and raging today and I am in no way fishing for compliments or for people to leave comments trying to cheer me up. If you want to leave a comment, then pretty please do, but I don't want people thinking they need to cheer me up because you don't and it probs won't help anyways.

So reasons 1, 2, and 3 why I am in a bad mood.

1. I got turned down for a student loan, so FIDM might not be in the near future like I so excitedly thought it was going to be. Awesome. Of course I don't make enough money and don't have perfect credit. That's why I can't afford school! I need school so I can get a real job and make real money. I'm already on the verge of signing up to donate my body to science to earn some extra money, what else do they want from me to prove that I need money?! It's not like I'm going to take the money and run away! I want to go to school, so I can earn money and pay back the loans! Every single time I try to go to a good school and do something with my life, I always get turned down for student loans because I don't make enough money. Well thanks Sherlock, I couldn't have figured that out on my own!

2. Obvi, #1 is the main reason I am in a foul mood. {And I keep typing fould instead of foul..stupid fingers!} The other reason is probably because of lack of sleep because I have been working at 5:30am to 1pm. This lovely shift entails that I have to get up at 4am and then I don't get home until at least 2:30pm and then I don't get to do anything before I need to go to bed, but I usually can't fall asleep fast anyways and I wake up constantly during the night. It makes me very cranky. And then, these are stock shifts so all I get to do all day is get beat up and banged up and pull loads of a few hundred pounds of shipment. Doesn't that sound like fun? Oh yeah, NOPE!!!

3. When you combine #1 and #2, everything is irritating to me. Lack of money is a huge one. I can't even afford food this week. The only reason I even have a PB&J to eat every day is because of my amazing roomie. Well, at least I will lose weight right? And I have been going to the gym...probably isn't a great idea when I don't eat very much all day, but I really am just so over this whole situation right now.

Add all of that together and you get how I feel inside:

So now, all I'm being is Polly Pessimist and only thinking of negative things. Like how when I can't get a hold of people it's definitely because they don't want to talk to me. And why would they? I'm a failure at life. I don't get why I have friends or why people like me sometimes. I'm boring, I never have funny things to say or can come up with fun things to do. I am not a nice person, I am not generous, I hardly ever put other people first. I'm usually always a Debbie Downer, mainly about myself and I know I get real annoying to the people around me who have to get stuck listening to me. I get mad and angry a lot. It's because I don't want to talk about my feelings. I feel like I stopped being a part of the world March 8th, 2006 and the world is just passing me by while I am just stuck in place. Sure, I may go through the motions but I don't feel like I am really there half the time. "I'm not cryin cuz I feel so sorry for you, I'm cryin' for me." (Toby Keith). I miss my dad. A lot. It's just not f*cking fair. I hate being helpless. I couldn't do anything for anyone.

{And f.y.i., when I am stressed, please don't tell me not to stress. It doesn't make me feel better and then I stress about trying to make myself not stress. Of course I'm stressed out. I'm about to be out of shelter and a job! And absolutely no money for a cushion! The next time I hear that god-awful phrase: "don't stress", I am going to scream. Promise.}

Ugh. Even I'm getting sick of listening to myself complain and talking about only myself. Yet, I can't seem to shake this mood.

Even the Christmas season, my absolute favorite time of the year, is just making it worse. I haven't been able to listen to enough Christmas music, I don't have money to buy people gifts, I don't get to see my family for Christmas yet again this year - 3rd year in a row, and I don't get to do any normal holiday season traditions. I can't even afford an eggnog latte, the best drink Starbucks ever invented. I no longer have anyone to drink eggnog with and complain to each other about how awful it is, even though we drink the whole carton anyways when we can't find our favorite brand. I still look for the same green tie and shirt I bought for him all those years ago that were ruined. Even though I can't give it to him anymore, I still look, probably because I'm insane.

This is just a lousy day.

1 comment:

  1. I know this is way after the fact, since it's almost a month later, but I just wanted to tell you that I have all of those feelings on some days as well. That picture you put up of the lighting is perfect- because there are times when that is all you feel inside and just nothing will help. I'm so sorry to hear about FIDM, but no matter if you go there or not, you are still going to be able to do great things and find a job. You have a great degree and awesome experience working for the best company in the world! Anyway, like I said, this is probably too late for me to be commenting, but just wanted you to know that I have felt the same way! Love youuuu!