Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The Blah Blah Blues

Depression. I feel like this topic is one that people don't like to talk about, and it's almost a little taboo. I understand why you wouldn't want to talk about it. I don't like it. I hate spilling my guts about how I feel, because I absolutely do not want to come off as weak, pathetic, or unable to handle life. Because trust me, I've been through it all and I survived. But at the same time, there is always this black cloud that follows me around, and if I'm not careful. Bam.

I can just feel the crushing paralization of depression settling over me. There is just an overwhelming sense of sadness and I can't get out of my own head. The times when it gets really bad are the times when I can't get out of bed or off the couch and I can barely hold a conversation with another person. My mind can't focus or understand what is going on. The world takes on a shade of gray and I can sit and stare for hours at nothing. My whole body aches and I don't even have the energy to do anything at all. I don't feel good, actually, I barely even feel anything but that crushing weight.

When things go wrong, it's really hard for me to not go all Polly Pessimist but I try my best to stay upbeat. It's usually easier when I'm around people I don't know that well or don't want to show my feelings to, I've gotten pretty good at putting up that fake front that life is wonderful. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing? A friend of mine says the only emotion I am good at showing is anger. With the rest, you never know what I'm feeling. I've been doing it for so long, trying to control my emotions because I don't want to come across as weak. I hate to cry in front of people, even though I'm horrible at trying to stop the tears. I don't want to ever seem too happy because then I feel like something awful is going to come along and upset the apple cart.

All of this started when I was pretty young, and I've gotten used to dealing with a crazy storm of emotions and thoughts always running through my brain. I don't think it's "normal" but it's normal for me. In a way, it's been good for me, because I have gotten really good at focusing and concentrating on things because that way I can tune my brain out and not have to listen. The worst is at night, laying in bed and not having something else to focus on and listening to my brain go on hyper drive.

The past 7 years, I have always felt super stressed and that leads to my depression for sure. Especially lately, going through the worst financial time of my life and so many things changing, my eye-twitch is on over drive. My shoulders are always tense and it makes my chronic headaches even worse. {I'm not trying to complain, this is just me. Just want everyone to understand what I feel.}

The past couple of years, I have started having panic/anxiety attacks and those really bother me because I can't do anything once they start. They just have to run their course and those can leave me really shaken up and in a bad mood for a day or two.

I don't know if anyone else goes through this. I don't even know if anyone will actually read this. I highly doubt this will help anyone with anything. I just want to put it out there. I need to find more productive ways to get rid of the negative energy, I haven't been so good in the last few years as getting it out in a healthy way. At least here I can vent and whine and complain, and if no one wants to hear it, they don't have to read it, but I feel much better. For me personally, the best way to relieve stress is to beat the living daylights out of a punching bag, but that's not always an option. Running has been a good way to get out excess energy, but sometimes it's just a little too much quiet. I need someone to torture me in a workout so I can't think and all I feel is the pain of hard work.

I hope that this helps the people in my life to understand me a little bit better. When I'm in a bad mood, I try to not take it out on people but sometimes I fail. Big time. I withdraw into myself a lot because I am not good at talking about my feelings and what's going through my brain. Sometimes, it's hard for me because it all just becomes so overwhelming I tend to shut down a little bit. I like to think that I am super strong and can do anything and not need help from anyone. I am the one that takes care of everyone else. Lately, that has been the farthest thing from the truth as everyone has been really helping me and taking care of me. I couldn't appreciate it more, but I also can't wait for the day to come when I am more independent. I feel like a loser being like this.

This is a subject that I definitely want to hear from everyone on. If you don't want to share personal things, I completely understand, but I do want to hear from you in some way. I think that the more I talk to people, the better it helps me to feel about this. And I hope it helps you to talk to me.

1 comment:

  1. Love you V! You know I am always here for you when you do want to talk about things. And I know what you are feeling. A part of it anyway. Since we got back from Florida I feel completely lost and sometimes I don't feel like getting out of bed or off the couch. I don't feel like socializing some days, which is weird for anyone who knows me. I get really stressed sometimes about where my life is going. I think we just need to keep pushing through and eventually we will find out way. I know it is important to keep talking to the friends and family who will always be here for us. I know you guys and my fam are the ones keeping my going. Without you guys I would be even more lost. Thank you for being such a good friend and always being there for me!! we will get through this together!!