Pop goes the.....knee?!

When I bend down, it's like snap, crackle and pop over here. I swear, I can't bend down, squat or bend over without something on my body popping or cracking, mainly my knees and hips. It's painful, not to mention embarassing! What does this have to do with anything you ask?

Exercise!!!!

I decided to make this post about exercise, weight loss, and all the baggage that comes with that long journey. The main reason I don't like to exercise, especially running, is because it kills my joints and not in that good, "oh I just worked up a sweat" soreness that you get the next day. I like to exercise because it makes me feel energized, clears my mind, washes away the stress, and not to mention, helps me to lose weight! I really do like that "everything hurts because I'm sore" feeling that you get after a really good workout. It makes me feel all those muscles that keep my body going and makes me feel strong. But the pain makes it hard to stick with any form of exercise, especially with the running that I recently took up again. *On that side note, I'm up to 2.3 miles! woo!* After that run, my back, knees and hips were really stiff, even with stretching before and after, but it gave me great energy and I loved how revitalized I felt. Too bad my joints could not have disagreed more!

I have been really sticking to working out at least 3 or 4 times a week, mainly just the running, while I have been in Florida, and it has helped me to combat the erratic schedule and the stress. I don't have my scale here with me so I'm not sure if I've lost any poundage yet, but my clothes are fitting slightly better...although that could be due to the fact that I live on cup-o-noodles now. Just sayin.

Which brings me to my next point - weight loss. Losing weight is one of the hardest and most trying challenges in life, and I swear that my body fights for every extra pound it can have like there is no tomorrow. I have such a hard time losing weight, it's frustrating beyond belief and usually makes me run for the nearest piece of chocolate I can find. Such a vicious cycle! I try to lose weight, can't and head for chocolate, which makes me need to lose even more weight...ugh!

I have had a rough few years and while it would be nice to put the blame for me being overweight on those hard times, it was me and me alone who was putting all that bad food into my mouth and sitting on my behind, instead of workin' it out like I should have been. It was easy to comfort myself with food instead of just dealing with everything that was going on at the time, and it became a security blanket for me to be overweight. I mean, let's be honest, who wouldn't want to eat yummy food when you're feeling blue or stressed? I'm always first in line for the buffet on that one! I always try to bury how I feel by being either super busy and not giving myself time to think or I sit on the couch and eat and don't move for days until I am too zoned out to think anymore. It's mainly the latter..yup, I'm a big fat couch potato..for days.

I've always been very insecure with myself and have low self-esteem. I am a perfectionist, so it's hard for me to accept that I may not be the best and I need that stamp of approval that I really am okay and what I'm doing is good enough. Being overweight lets me hide. I can pretend that being the best isn't important and I can use it as the reasons why I'm not the best or why people don't like me. In my head it all makes sense, but when you extract it from my brain, it's a crazy mess going on. I have a hard time liking and accepting myself and who I am. I don't even really know who I am anymore and I'm not entirely sure where the person I used to be went. She disappeared a few years ago and hasn't been heard from in awhile. I'm hoping to find her again.

*I wish I felt that way about myself - well the last line. I wish I had an "I'm amazing and I don't care what you think" kind of attitude - hopefully, one day, I will get there*

And with that, I've finally decided to take control and instead of taking care of everything and everyone else ahead of me, I'm going to take care of me and make myself happy. I don't know exactly what that means or what it is going to take to get there, or even if I will ever like what I see in the mirror. I don't know if I can ever measure up to the high standards I have for myself, and I hope that on this journey to making me happy and finding out who I am, I can accept my failures as well as my successes. Everything that has happened in my life has made me who I am, good or bad, and I can never go back and change it. I just need to learn from it and keep on moving forward. Losing weight is the one thing that I can take control of and do for myself. By exercising and eating right, it's going to make me feel better and think better and help me to manage the stress that can drive me crazy. If you know me, you know my stress level and how crazy it makes me. I have been known to break out in hives and develop an eye twitch due to stress. Currently, I'm dealing with the eye twitch which really, really needs to go away, NOW!

I am done hiding and am determined to find out who I really am. I have so much going on in my life that is positive, I want to face all of these new adventures as the best me that I can be.

I love having this blog to be able to set my goals down, so that I feel accountable to not only myself, but to the people that read this and I don't want to let anyone down.

This was a long ramble and if you're still reading, congrats and welcome to my brain! "Please stand clear of the doors. Por favor manténganse alejado de las puertas."
{Ten bonus points to you if you know what that's from!}

So, I hope you all do something for yourselves today that makes you happy and you take control of something, no matter how small, that is just for you and no one else. I know that no amount of approval from others will make me love myself, I am the only one who can do it.

I can do it.